A friend of mine brought me the following problem.  What would you recommend that she do?

I’ve known Mooch (name changed) for many years.  He has implied that he helped meget work at two clients.  In both cases I have strong evidence that others helped me get in, but no direct evidence of Mooch’s help.  Because he is not clearly stated that he helped, I tend to discount the possibility.

I like this man.  He is smart and cheerful.  He also has unusual family obligations which must create great pressure for him.

As a networker, I have stayed in touch with him over the years, checking up on how he is doing, without any sales motive in mind.  Several times he has been out of work and called me for help.  Those are the only times I remember him ever calling me.  He is good at what he does, and I have recommended him to several people who interviewed him.  When I have not been in a position to help, he wheedles, asking me for more introductions repeatedly, if indirectly.

I once said to him that I, too, would like some introductions to potential clients from among the many people he knows.  Nothing was forthcoming, until the last time he came to me for help, when he offered to give me an introduction to a client that I did not think was likely to hire my firm, it was so small.  Then he asked for help finding a job.  I explained to him there was no quid pro quo for my help, just to keep in mind when he was talking with people might benefit from my services.  I then tried to introduce him to someone, who declined for reasons unrelated to Mooch.  He didn’t seem to understand my explanation.

I did not hear back from Mooch for several months.  He left me a message yesterday.  I know he is still looking for work and I know what he wants.  What should I do?

(This is another of a series of Rainmaking Problems.  If you have one that you would like other readers to comment, please send it to me at fharding@HardingCo.com.)

Starting a new relationship with someone who you have no explicit reason for contacting is one of the most difficult steps in selling professional services.  Almost as hard is advancing a relationship with someone you know hardly at all.  This isn’t just for of the professions; it is characteristic of business in general.

I just got off the phone with someone seeking to become my financial advisor.  At the beginning of the call, I told him that I was not interested in a sales call at this time.  He assured me that it wasn’t his purpose to sell me anything.  But, of course, at the end of the call, he couldn’t resist trying to do so with a we-can-help-you-with-that offer at the end.  This offer had, also of course, been the sole purpose of the 10 minutes of gobbledygook which preceded it.  In short, he was trying to begin relationship by lying to me about the purpose of this call and wasted my time in the process.   Did he think that I would turn over my money to someone who tried to deceive me the very first time he spoke with me?

It amazes me how common this is and how many forms it comes in.  Those mass mailings that come with what looks like a handwritten note, sometimes on a yellow sticky, saying “you should see this” or something similar, are another example.  They try to trick you into believing that the document was forwarded to you by a business colleague or friend.

When employing tactics to meet someone or to warm up a tepid relationship, the professionals must do nothing of this kind.  I suspect that even the word, tactics, will make some readers blanch, so let me give an example.   Asking for advice is one frequently recommended way to get in front of someone you don’t know well to warm up a relationship.  This can be effective with two cautions.  First, only do this with someone whose advice you would value on the subject in question.  If the advice asking is used simply as a ploy, there is a good chance that the contact will catch on and shun you thereafter.   Second, never, never try to turn the advice-seeking conversation into a sales call.  You should only talk about how your services can help the contact, if he explicitly asks you to do so, and even then with some reluctance.  (I didn’t come here today to sell you anything, but if you want we can talk a little about . . .).

You never want the contact to come away from a meeting with the feeling that you left it thinking, “Gotcha!”

I frequently get asked how often one should call a former client or other valuable business contact.  Professionals are deeply concerned that calling too often will annoy the contact.  Some err on the side of caution by not calling contacts at all, except they need to talk about specific business at hand.  Others call more frequently.

Like most people, professionals have contacts whom they can call at any time.  However, virtually all of us want to avoid bothering a busy client or contact with a drifting catchup conversation.  Some contacts are likely to drop you, if you abuse the friendship with too many pointless calls or calls transparently for the purpose of asking for more work.

How frequently to call someone is a highly personal decision, and heavily situational.  Still, I think that most of  us have some  rules we apply to making that choice.  What are yours?

(This is another of our Rainmaking Problems, which I post from time to time, because I am not totally satisfied with the answers I give, when questioned on the subject. In other cases, readers send me questions that they would like to get answers to from people with different perspectives.  If you have such a question, please send it to me at fharding@HardingCo.com.)

Guest Post by Gary Pines

(The golf course is among the most common venues for networking, and it’s golf season.  Surely, it’s time for a post on golfing and networking.  Not a golfer, myself, I have asked my colleague, Gary Pines, to write the post.   Golf is a factor in 25 percent of the business he wins.  Ford Harding)

You don’t have to be a scratch golfer to network on the golf course.  I’m living proof of that.  I have been playing for over twenty years in countless rounds with guests, who include clients, connectors, and prospective clients.  My score can range from 105 to 85. I have many bad shots in every round.  I do it because I very much enjoy the experience . . . and because I build closer relationships.

I believe that people who worry about their score and how they look, don’t spend enough time on making sure their guests enjoy a special experience.  And they miss most of the fun.  Your job is to make sure your guests leave the golf course saying that was a “special day with a special person,” rather than leaving frustrated about the way they played and their high score.

Golf is a game of embarrassment. If you can embarrass yourself in front of others for 18 holes and survive, then you can work with those same people, make mistakes and still help them attain their goals.

So, here are ten thoughts for building better relationships on the golf course:

1. It is not about me … no complaining about my shots and trying to explain why I hit the shot incorrectly.
2. It is not about me … no asking for extra shots.  Instead, offer your guests extra shots and mulligans.
3. It is all about them … offer information about the golf course and information about their next shot, and so make it easier for them to do well.  For example, when driving the ball off the tee, offer what direction it would be best to hit the ball, such as “hit it toward the left side of the fairway” or “hit it toward the far sand trap.”
4. It is all about them … always help with putting information. For example, putting is a key part of the game and one’s score. I always try to help them to understand how their putt may roll to the hole with suggestions like “hit it harder uphill” or “hit it to the left of the cup because it will move to the right as it is rolling.”
5. It isn’t really a competition.  Don’t keep score unless they want to.  Rather, ask them if they want to keep score and follow their desires. I have had several golf rounds where we only counted the “good shots” on the scorecard. It quickly removed the feeling of intimidation from the round.
6. It’s about giving attention to everyone.  Change riding partners on carts every six holes. Help everyone look for their lost golf ball.
7. It’s about minimizing their discomfort.  Let your guests pick the order of hitting the tee shot.  I find most do not want to hit last, so that is what I do.  Try to understand if a guest has an injury and provide mental and playing relief for him or her, if possible.
8. It’s being considerate of their time.  The pace of the round.  Make certain the group moves in a timely fashion, because you do not want to play 18 holes in over 4 hours and 30 minutes.  Your guests may have other things to do, after the game, but be too polite to urge speed.
9. It’s not about business.  Do not talk business, unless a guest brings it up.  Save those discussions for the 19th hole or when connecting for a follow-up meeting.
10. It’s about having fun  … because if you do, the chances go up that your guests will, too.

Follow these guidelines and business will come.  For example, my conversation with one guest over lunch after 18 holes in the morning was much more open and frank than in prior discussions. By asking questions, I helped him see the value in utilizing my services. He commented that I should connect with him next week and send him a short proposal in the interim. In another case, I have enjoyed playing golf with a “connector” three or four times a year. Last year without my having to ask, he urged a prospective client to utilize my services, which they did.

Make your golf game enjoyable and business profitable by determining how you will make it a special experience for your guests. Review the ten thoughts prior to every round.

And remember:  No one will  hire  you because of your high golf score, but will use experiences of a shared round to decide what you would  be like to work with.

Gary Pines can be reached at gpines@HardingCo.com.

(As in previous years, I will only be posting once a week in July and August.)

The word etiquette has a dated, your-great-Aunt-Martha sound.  Not that etiquette, itself, is out of date; the need for it is greater than ever.  But the word is seldom used today, replaced by the planer manners, or by some circumlocution.  Etiquette is no longer taught in school, though behavior or conflict management sometimes is, and a good hunk of that subject turns out to be etiquette, barely disguised.

So, I was surprised to find speaker, Rachel Wagner, listing herself as an etiquette coach on the agenda of a meeting of the SMPS Oklahoma Chapter.  Can one actually make a living using those words to describe yourself, I wondered.  I also reflected on the importance of etiquette in selling professional services.  When  you are selling professional services, at the very least it:

•    Ensures you show all you deal with appropriate respect,
•    Helps you get through potentially awkward situations,
•    Shows you to be a socially adept, considerate person.

This made me want to talk with Ms. Wagner, even more.  (I would normally have called her simply Wagner at this point, but because I am writing about an etiquette, I decided to err on the polite side and include the Ms.)  In this post, I will share our initial interview.  In a second, to appear in about a month, I will present her with several potentially awkward selling situations to see how she would react with no time to prepare.  After all, an etiquette expert should be able to deal with unexpected, tetchy situations with aplomb.  She, good sport, has accepted the challenge.

Q: How did you get interested in etiquette and become an expert in it?

Wagner: Etiquette has always been a topic of great interest—my office bookshelves are proof! So, after a successful teaching career, I traded my 8th grade classroom for the corporate training room.   My ultimate goal was to attend the Protocol School of Washington (PSOW) in Washington, D.C. which I did in 2006 and received certification as a Corporate Etiquette and International Protocol Consultant. I consider myself a continual learner in all areas of business etiquette, and I work hard at keeping up with the most contemporary, universally-accepted business etiquette, especially in fast-changing areas like on-line communications.

Q: How does etiquette differ from manners?

Wagner: Manners is really all about “being mindful” of others and making them feel respected and valued. Etiquette is more or less the “how to” of manners—knowing what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. To illustrate, let me give you several examples. We all know it’s “good manners” to make business introductions. The “etiquette” is to say the name and firm of the most senior person first. It’s good manners to give a handshake. The etiquette is to extend your hand with the fingers out and thumb up and connect web to web with two firm pumps (no limp fish handshakes!). It’s good manners to entertain a prospect for lunch. Proper etiquette includes seating your guest correctly (to the right of the host), navigating the place setting (start with the outer silverware and work in), making menu suggestions to discreetly show the limits of your hospitality, and insuring that your guest’s order is taken first.

Good etiquette skills are vital for any firm to be competitive—to get new sales and to enjoy strong repeat business. These are the skills that set professionals apart and firms apart from their competition, no matter what service they offer.

Q: Do the terms professional etiquette and sales etiquette have any special meaning to you and to what extent does each differ from regular old etiquette?

Wagner: Professional etiquette and sales etiquette are both subsets of business etiquette. Especially in today’s economic climate, it’s vital that every member and associate of a firm have a fully equipped tool box of business etiquette knowledge.  “Professional etiquette” refers to ways you deal with others in your profession, such as the way an accountant, whom a client has replaced with another firm, provides information on the account to his replacements.  “Sales etiquette” refers to how you manage sales interactions, such as how you talk with a prospective client whom you meet at a social gathering and who is not looking for a sales pitch. “Regular old etiquette” is vital for a polished image, and includes sending appropriate thank you notes, standing for a handshake, and knowing when and how to offer your business card.

Q: Can you cite an example where etiquette made a difference in the sale of a professional service?

Wagner: I chose not to use a certain financial planning firm after my initial phone inquiry did not result in a timely call back with the information requested. Not only that, another associate of the firm was repeatedly unresponsive to my emails. In fact, I finally had to call and ask if my email questions had been received.  Of course, this is poor service, but it is also inconsiderate.  Even if a professional isn’t interested in a person’s business, proper etiquette dictates that the person receive a prompt and polite response.  Poor “tech etiquette” resulted in a poor first impression of this firm. I’m sure they would have done a fine job of managing my portfolio, but that initial first impression kept them from having the opportunity to prove themselves, because few of us will knowingly select an inconsiderate person to do costly and sensitive professional work.  Little things, such as timely tech-communication skills, do matter in giving a positive image of a firm!

Q: Do you think professionals are held to a higher standard of etiquette than other business people?

Wagner: I think it’s assumed that anyone wearing a suit has a high etiquette IQ—and most do. Because professionals are highly educated, expected to be intelligent, and are perceived to hold high status positions, lapses in etiquette can be seen as arrogance or patronization.  You don’t want to get labeled as a stereotypical arrogant, elitist, self-absorbed professional.

Not everyone who climbs the professional career ladder in a firm is necessarily equipped with the etiquette and social skills to match their new level of influence and leadership. For example, at a Chamber of Commerce event, I observed professional higher-ups with less than impeccable table manners. These same professionals also rudely pecked away on their BlackBerry during the meeting and in a face-to-face conversation with someone.

Q: What rules of etiquette would you most want a professional about to attend an association event to remember?

Wagner: Research shows that approximately 75 percent of us have anxiety about attending an event in which we must meet and greet and make small talk with others. These four rules of etiquette can help make association events less stressful and can enhance your visibility, credibility, and profitability.

1. Remind yourself that you go to the event as a representative of your firm, a walking, talking demonstration of what it might be like to work with.  Yes, greet your peers, but don’t hang out with them all evening.   Remind yourself that it is your responsibility to make sure the people you talk with come away feeling good about you and the firm.  This is usually more a function of asking them questions about something they are interested in, addressing them by name, making sure that everyone in a group has a chance to be heard, than saying something profound yourself.
2. Prepare for the event.  There is proper etiquette for introducing yourself and others, for starting conversations, for breaking into groups, for taking your leave from a conversation, and for dinner table conversation, as examples.  Look into how to handle these things if you are unsure.  My e-newsletter, The Savvy Professional (which you can sign up for at www.EtiquetteTrainer.com), covers many such topics and there are a number of good books on the subject.
3. Don’t head straight to the food and beverage area when you arrive. First mix and mingle. The food is secondary. And when you do go through the food line, never pile your plate. It’s better to eat something before you go than to appear too hungry. An additional tip is to hold your food or beverage in your left hand so that your right hand is always free for a handshake when you meet or greet others.
4. Afterwards drop quick notes to people you met, showing that you remember something special about them.

Q: How do you determine appropriate etiquette in fast changing areas like the internet and social networking?

Wagner: You have to observe, read and research.  (A good book on the subject is The Hamster Revolution: How to Manage Your Email Before It Manages You by Mike Song, Tim Burress and Vicki Halsey.)  I have three suggestions that will help you steer a course even in this rapidly changing area:

1. Don’t be misled by the reputation that email and other forms of electronic communication have for informality.  They are rapidly gaining formality, at least in business circles. When in doubt, err on the side of more formality for a positive image of your firm’s brand–in your emails and on professional networking sites such as LinkedIn.
2. Recognize which of two kinds of exchange you are engaged in, either a conversation with a lot of rapid back-and-forthing or a more deliberate correspondence.  The latter requires more formality. But, good writing style is mandatory in all business emails, including proper spelling (that includes no texting language), grammar, and punctuation.
3. Don’t mistake informality with lack of personal consideration.  Always begin an email with a salutation, if only the person’s first name.  As a best practice, include “dear” or “hello” before the person’s name, especially to business associates, prospective clients, and clients. Except in rapid exchanges, such as when you are back-and-forthing over a meeting date, always include at least a brief personal note, such as It’s good to hear you are doing well or Congratulations on the … or Give so-and-so my best or the like.  Always close with your name.  There are many more tech etiquette rules and the number of those rules is expanding rapidly.

Professionals learning to develop business often struggle with finding a reason for calling clients and other important network contacts, when there is no urgent matter to discuss.  You can have frequent conversations with a network contact, as long as the net value of the sum of those conversations is sufficiently high to meet her hurdle rate. If it doesn’t, she won’t return your calls or will find other means to use her time more productively.  The hurdle rate varies from contact to contact and tends to be higher with the more desirable contacts, such as senior executives.

Note that most contacts will not mind the occasional low-value conversation, as long as the net value of the sum of all exchanges with you is high.  This logic presses us to find ways to provide the needed value.  With some contacts the personal relationship is strong enough that interest in each other provides sufficient value.  For the rest, we must constantly be looking for information and ideas that our contacts would find valuable.  That can be a challenge.

Joe Flom of the law firm, Skadden, is one of the world’s greatest rainmakers of the past half century. I find it revealing that he used to hit upon a conversation topic that he would use with his business contacts for a while, and then come up with another.  His colleagues used to refer to these topics as his flavor of the month.  Over the years I have seen other rainmakers do the same, though they seldom have a name for it.

Not having had the opportunity to observe Flom over time I can’t describe the characteristics of his flavors of the month.  From broader experience, I think a flavor must:

• Be a valuable insight or piece of information tied at least peripherally to your business
• Be topical enough that it is easy to bring into conversation
• Lead easily to a question that gets the other person talking

Recognizing a promising flavor is a knack worth developing.  They come to you more frequently than you might imagine, if you are looking for them.  To build the habit, from time to time ask yourself the following questions:

• Is there a contrarian story to a current trend?
• Do you have an example of an interesting solution to a common problem?
• Do you know how a leader in a field does something that others struggle with?
• Is there an impending change in technology, regulation, competitive environment of other area your contacts need to be advised of?

I was reminded of this subject recently when I found myself discussing flavors of the month with several contacts over two weeks.  The subject of flavors of the month had become my flavor of the month.

“I’m no good at small talk,” someone I am coaching told me yesterday.  I hear this from time to time in the course of my work.  The speaker is usually an introvert, faced with the need to attend an association event or to develop closer relationships with clients.  An introvert myself, I had to deal with this issue long ago.  My answer to this admission is always the same: there is no such thing as small talk.  There is business talk and there is relationship talk.  All conversation with a client belongs in one of these two categories.

It is impossible to have much of a relationship someone whom you know nothing about.  So-called small talk gives you many types of information about t he person you are speaking with; including background, habits, hobbies and sense of humor, just for starters; that let you build a relationship.  There is nothing small about these kinds of information.

Relationship’s are based, among other things, on shared experiences and mutual help.  So-called small talk allows you to recognize a past shared experience, whether it be experiences with a mutual friend who makes you both laugh or with a teenage child’s behavior that makes you both want to cry, with a client you have both worked for or with a problem you have both worked on.  Small talk gives you ideas about arranging experiences to share with client in the future, such as an association event or a night at the opera.

And small talk gives you information you need to help the client.  There are countless examples of this.  An actuary listening to a client’s venting about frustrations with a contractor who went bankrupt and disappeared half way through roofing her house was able to recommend another roofer.  A consultant was able to refer a client to his wife, a dentist, when the client’s child needed emergency attention.  A recruiter was able to advise a client’s child on his first job search.  All of these things happened, because the professionals in question had listened to so-called small talk.

If you think you’re no good at small talk, try the following:

• Try to find out something interesting about the person you are talking with.  People are usually interesting when they talk about things they are interested in.  Keeping the conversation going will be easy once you find such a topic.  This is standard advice to people learning to network.  It’s standard, because it works.

• Ask about the person’s family.  This is an especially productive subject if the person you’re talking to has children.  Almost everybody likes talking about their children, and the subject is a great social leveler.  You can talk about shared experiences with children with the chairman of the board or with the janitor, with someone who lives across the street from you or with someone who lives on the other side of the world.

• Use the person’s demeanor as a signal for starting a conversation.  You look like you are in a rush today.  You look a bit worried.  My, you look happy today.  Used selectively, words like these will usually start a conversation about something important to the other person.

• Key off a signal provided by the other person.  A tie with pictures of anchors on it signals a sailor.  A diploma hanging on an office wall will tell you the name of a person’s alma mater.  A trophy indicates passion and success in some area.

Anyone can learn to make small talk.  All it takes is an interest in the other person and a willingness to ask questions.

For more on this subject, see the post Networking Tips for Introverts.

This post completes an interview with Konstantinos Kasekas, whose 8,500 LinkedIn contacts qualify him as a super user.  The first part appeared last week.
 
Q:  Are there any tricks of the trade for using LinkedIn you would care to share?
 
Kasekas: If someone sees the merit of maintaining a larger, looser network, versus a smaller, trusted network, I would recommend they also loosen the criteria determining who they add to their network. Personally, before I ran out of invitations, I would invite everyone to join my group. My friends, colleagues, contacts, people I would interview, people I would have a passing conversation with – everyone. Please note that inviting people you don’t know is a violation of the LinkedIn user agreement, so you should stop short of that.

Q:  How do you invite people?

Kasekas:  Do not send out one of those “generic” boilerplate invitations, “I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn” because it depersonalizes an already impersonal medium. And when you get an invitation, whatever you decide to do, always try and respond to every personalized invitation with an email “thanks for sending me the invitation”. This helps differentiate you as a LinkedIn member who GETS it. And will help you stand out.

For a more thorough list check out my blog entry On LinkedIn Size Does Matter.

Q:  Is there a saturation point where the flow of information through LinkedIn becomes so heavy that it overwhelms?

Kasekas:  Oh, absolutely. I hit that point about two years ago, when I hit the 2,000 1st contacts mark. I have turned all my email notifications off. If I were to get an email notification for everything that occurred within my network I would have crashed my email server a long time ago. This is a key problem when you are a communication hub in such a large network; how do you differentiate meaningful communication from noise? It takes time, that’s all I can say. To be candid, it is more of an art than a science. There is at least one near miss, I can recall, when a potential client sent me an inmail, asking us to participate in a global RFP. It was a completely unsolicited contact and the message was almost lost in the hundreds of inmails that sit on my LinkedIn mailbox. The good news is that I did find it in time and was able to garner some valuable conversations from the message. Have other such messages fallen through the cracks? Probably, but it is the price I pay for being at the center of the network.

Long term, this has implications for all users.  It’s like banner ads.  At first they had a big impact, now people block them out as visual noise.   The discussions and news portions of groups are becoming irrelevant, except for questions in key groups; 

Q: What are coming advances we might expect as LinkedIn develops?

Kasekas: They are trying to integrate better communications like Twitter and notes function.    People have realized that LinkedIn has advantages, so active participation is going up.  Profiles are becoming more developed, so content is improving. 

I think there is a risk that it is becoming too much of everything for everybody.  That risks alienating users.  Then it might be leapfrogged.  Superusers find paid services less valuable.

(This post in another in our series of Rainmaking Problems. We invite your comments on this problem and would also welcome any problems you would like to s to get comments form other readers.)

An attorney, whom I will call Larry Polonisen, has sent in the following problem, one common enough in networking and well worth reflecting on.  How can he continue to take, if he has nothing to lend?  What would you do?

Hello, I am a faithful reader of your blog.

I have a suggestion for a post there (which I need to frankly admit is also a request for free advice).  The question is what to do when a contact gives you a couple of good referrals of business, and makes known (appropriately) that he expects referrals in return, but such reciprocal referrals are unlikely to ever happen (for lots of reasons not the least of which is that other better sources are in line for reciprocals before this person).  

The choices seem to be 1) tell the referral source that reciprocals are very unlikely, 2) actively search for things to refer, 3) assure the person (honestly) that if something comes along that can be referred to him it will be.  The first choice seems good in the abstract but horrible in the real world as it likely cuts off a referral source.  The second is again great, except that there is a higher priority for any referrals in this area and also because I get hardly any of matters in the referrers area (or I would be in that area myself).  The third seems the best, but if nothing gets referred, the referring lawyer ends up feeling taken advantage of.

I suppose that there might be a fourth choice (at least in my jurisdiction) is to offer the referrer a (legal) referral fee (perhaps coupled with the explanation under alternative 1).  What do you think?

Thanks very much.  I enjoy and use the information on you blog.

In an earlier post (Seeing Events Through a Rainmaker’s Eyes, Part 1) I described how rainmakers tend to see things differently from the rest of us. In that post I provided examples of two things that we might see as negative that a rainmaker is likely to see more positively. They also tend to see as positive things that we hardly note at all. Here are three examples of that:

-
An extra person from a client organization turns up for a meeting about our work.

• How we might see it: A need for an extra set of the documents we provided
• How rainmakers see it: Another person in the client organization for me to know and a potential future client, herself

A client calls, asking for a small amount of additional information.

• How we might see it: A need to provide a small additional service within the scope of our work or another to-do list item
• How rainmakers see it: A possible reason to go see the client and for a conversation that can cover other things I want to hear about, too

A break is called at a meeting attended by many members of the client organization.

• How we might see it: A chance to check email and voicemail
• How rainmakers see it: A chance to meet and advance relationships

As before, it is not that the rainmakers are right and the rest of us are wrong. All of the interpretations listed are reasonable. But rainmakers see opportunities for small advances in developing relationships that may lead to more business. By taking advantage of many such small opportunities, they sometimes get an assignment. We can, too. If we work at it, we can teach ourselves to see these opportunities, too.